Proposed Nicknames for 2015 Bachelorette Contestants

Jocky Jason Schwartzman

The Gay Dentist

Bald The Rock

Ugly Ashton Kutcher, or Ugly for short

Baby Hellboy

Doofus Ryan Gosling

90210 Steve

The Healer

Five Step Instructional on How to Conduct a Conversation in the Workplace

1) Read the headline to an article. If you're feeling especially ambitious, read the first paragraph as well.
2) Casually say to the cubicles around yours, "Did you hear about whats going on with..."
3) Someone, who has a vague recollection of possibly having read a similar headline at some point in the last couple of weeks, will turn and say, "Yes, I heard about that," while others will quietly look at you out of the corner of their eyes.
4) Explain with authority to the one who has heard about it as well as to the ones looking at you out of the corner of their eyes your interpretation of the headline you read and what the repercussions of that headline could be.
5) Argue passionately for the next 45 minutes with the other person who has possibly heard of the headline while the others get bored and stop looking out of the corner of their eyes at you. One of them read the full article.

Birthday B of A

Sweet Dreams

Sonia went to bed before me last night. After locking the doors, closing the shades, and undressing for bed, i knelt before her quietly sleeping body. She was sprawled luxuriously on the bed with the white cat curled up on her legs and together they formed a vision of tranquility that I looked forward to joining. I slowly lowered my face toward hers to give a gentle goodnight kiss, careful not to wiggle the mattress and disturb her. It was dark in the bedroom and my glasses were on the nightstand, so her face, resting on a nest of curly black hair, was an incoherent blur, the only distinguishable features being the two large black circles in the place of her eyes. I was about 4 inches away when all at once her eyes opened wide within the surrounding dark pits, her lips curled back, revealing two rows of clenched teeth, and she emitted a loud demonic hissing sound from deep inside her throat. This was a vision from a nightmare that would have jolted me awake, sweating and screaming, but I was already awake--there was no escape. I jumped back, shrieking like a frightened child and she erupted in hysterical laughter.

Neither of us could sleep for a half-hour; myself, for the unshakable fear, and Sonia because she couldn't stop laughing. She wavered between restrained giggling and all-out guffawing, with brief periods of silence and apology before slipping back into indulgent cackling.

The first sound I heard when I awoke this morning was Sonia chuckling to herself in the other room, getting ready for work.

Fight Dream

I went to a punk rock concert headlined by comic book artist Johnny Ryan. I was the oldest person in attendance, sitting in a section of chairs off to the side. Before the show began, a skinhead and a skater approached to warn me, "Just so you know, everybody here has to fight before the band will go on. Don't worry, you won't get beat up too bad but each person has to take at least a couple of punches and throw a couple of punches." "I don't want to fight," I said. "You have no choice," they said and walked away to warn other people about the rules. Small fights started throughout the venue and I stood, trying to build the courage to take my beating. I was soon running outside of the club and down the street. I ran and ran and ran.